Hey

So I was expecting my sister to come out and hang out with me today, but she had some stuff to deal with today and couldn't make it. It really bummed me out, but I know it wasn't just that we didn't get to hang out today that bummed me out. I have just felt really unsatisfied with my life lately. I thought moving to Belvidere in high school was going to be a good move but I can't help regretting it.

Yes BHS was a much better environment for me, I was popular and had fun and got great grades but I left behind a small group of amazing people at Prospect and those relationships just aren't the same. Rachel and I made plans to hang here at my house for a bit and then have brunch in Rockford and I am really excited, but scared at the same time.

Rachel and I have made so many plans in the past and she has bailed on so many of them. Out of dozens of plans we have made, one visit has happened and it was one where we met in the middle. With her planning to come out here I can't help but wonder if she'll cancel on me.

I have to be completely honest, it breaks my heart every time she says she'll show up somewhere and then bails. She did it with my wedding, my baby shower, just too many times to count. I'm sick of getting hurt and I know that it is a two way street and I try to make an effort. I message her five times for every one she sends me. I really just don't know what I'm going to do if she doesn't show up Sunday.

I think if she doesn't show up then I'm done, because I'm honestly sick of being second best to everyone. This in no way is in response to my sister not coming to visit, because like I said, she had shit to deal with and that's cool. It just made me think of these other instances in my life where other people have just been leaving me on the sidelines for so long.

When I moved to Belvidere I made friends quickly and in large numbers. Truthfully, after having the friends I did here really made me question the "friends" who I left behind. I'm realizing that few of them really were my friends and I was ditching true friends for the ones I thought were the best for me. She knows who she is and I don't know if she reads this, but I'm so sorry for not choosing you over them.

So it turns out my friends really weren't my friends. They didn't stick with me through the bad shit and they didn't try and keep in contact. Honestly, I am happier and better off without them. Rachel was always one of my true friends, I never had to worry about her loyalty to me. I wouldn't fight so hard to keep a friendship between us if she wasn't truly my best friend. I love her to death still and she is a major player in all my favorite memories.

Everyone needs a tie to their past and I feel like mine is slipping away.

Cycle Day: 18
Temp: 97.16
OPK: I think it's +

Darn you OPKs darn you!

As you probably noticed, my rant of the day is with OPKs. I have been using them since day 8 of this cycle and have gotten no results so far. When I used to use them I would always have some sort of line that would darken and finally turn positive leading up to ovulation. This time around however, I get no kind of definitive marking until I have let it dry for HOURS. The directions say 5 minutes, but the control line isn't even it's full color after 5 minutes.

I just don't know what to think. Today is cycle day 16, and I had a temp rise of .07, to be safe, we have been bd'ing for the past three days or so and will continue for a couple more, I just wish the stupid things would give me an answer. Now I'm scared that I might not even be ovulating, but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

I am pretty psyched for tonight, hubs is on his way home and we're going out to Granite City tonight, just the two of us for dinner. I am going to relax, have a drink, eat and spend some time with hubs. Tonight is date night!!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Cycle Day: 16
Temp: 97.4
Opk: -?

Prayers

This will not be my only post today, just my first before I head out shopping with my mom and Hailey. I wanted to share the link below with you and ask everyone who's reading this to pray for the family and poor Benjamin.

As a mom and as someone whose child has been in daycare (I quit my job 3 months after she was born to stay home) this sickens and terrifies me. Honestly, I couldn't survive losing Hailey, I can't imagine what his poor mother must be going through right now.

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/01/day-care-center-reopens-after-boys-death.html

It still hurts, I miss you.

In memory of my cousin Greg, the poem below is all I will be posting today. He died seven years ago today of an accidental overdose, he was 21. Growing up, my cousins Greg, Andrew and Matt were my best friends, they were always there and we grew up together.

I wrote this a few months after he died.

You left without a word
Silent in the night
No one heard your screams
And now its ringing through my mind
Your pain is finally put to rest
And your body with your soul
The angels came quickly from above
They carried you from that cold dark night
As silently we cry
Your pain we did not know
Your unhappiness we could not conceive
Our love will never vanquish
Our dreams will never die
You took all of your potential
And then you had to die
Every day we pray for you
Our hearts you will never leave
Our tears will never diminish
Our love for you will never die
Even if you did

I hate waiting.

It's true, I'm a very impatient person. The only plans I have today are to go to Michaels, grab some scrap booking supplies, check out wedding supplies for my mom and I am going to play around with the flowers, because I am doing all the flowers for my moms wedding. Bouquets, boutonnieres, corsages and any other floral. I'm the craftier of us two, and I did alot of the floral for my own wedding almost three years ago. Three years, geesh. We've been together period, for seven years on March 1. February 14th, 2002 was the day I decided I was going to marry him someday.

So Nick also had something to do today. He does the tech work for his Grandma's company and they have had ongoing problems with her computer. He finally got all the parts and got it fixed but the new video card drivers aren't compatible with Windows 2k, so they are having issues right now. We put Hailey down at 11, he left at 11:30 and he's still gone and she hasn't napped. My afternoon is fail so far.

Sunday, January 18, 2009
Cycle Day: 13
Temp: 97.51
Opk: -